I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
