You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
