I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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