Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I think my moral compass just broke
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