saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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