I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
