yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
