oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
