i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
