I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
