I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
