Swine flu. Run for my life!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
