I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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