my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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