I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
