No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
