so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Soap is not a condiment
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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