I'm so fucking centered right now
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize