one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
