i think i have two assholes
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
