Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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