hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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