bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
