I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
