I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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