I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
