just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
