I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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