i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
