My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
