I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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