after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I made him laugh his dick is mine
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
