he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
