So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
