the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
