True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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