Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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