I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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