Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
