I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
