I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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