So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
