Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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