Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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