the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
