Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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