Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Found the puke drawer
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
