i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
whose ass print is on the piano?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Randomize
