i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
