My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
