the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
