Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
