Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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