I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
