Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
